Cullen House Rules
by IttyBittyDhampir
Summary: The Cullens have rules they have to obey to live in the house. Here are some situations where they need to be enforced.
1. Never Leave Emmett Home Alone

**a/n: ahaha. I love this story! **

**Rule Number 1(and a half): Never leave Emmett home alone.**

**Half: And get Jasper a stuffed animal!**

* * *

Emmett poked his head out the door. He'd went into his room to listen to music an hour ago, but now the house was quiet. "Rose?" he whispered, checking the garage.

_Empty. _

"Bella? Edward?" he called into Ed's room.

Again, _empty. _

"Carlisle! Jasper! Alice... Esme?" he began to worry now. What had happened in that short time, and why had they left him alone?

Then a sly smile played across his lips; no one was there to tell him what he could and couldn't do. A second later, he was dialing people's phone numbers, only to find out that the phone didn't work. He was getting scared now, but he didn't let that stop him.

Just outside Forks, the Cullen's were concluding their hunting trip.

"I'm worried about Emmett." Rosalie frowned, walking over to the group.

"He probably hasn't even noticed." Bella smiled.

Edward nudged her arm and laughed.

"Let's see. Alice? Is Emmett fine at the house?" Carlisle cut in.

"I'm not sure. He keeps flickering from ideas but-" she stopped for a second, eyes widening. "We need to get home. _Now." _

"What's wrong?" Esme asked quietly.

Edward looked down and then at Alice. "He wouldn't."

She returned his gaze. "I'm afraid he is."

Minutes later, Rosalie burst through the front door. "Emmett!" She found him lying on the kitchen floor, mumbling. "Emmett! What did you do?" she growled, shaking him by the collar of his shirt.

"Rose!" Jasper put his hand on her shoulder. "Let me handle this."

She growled and threw him down.

Suddenly, there was bright light shining Emmett's eyes. "Hey! What's the big idea?"

"Where were you at four pm tonight?" Jasper asked him, eyes ablaze.

"Here. You know that! Why?" Emmett replied frantically.

"I'll ask the questions." he growled. "Now, you came out of your room after we left. When did you get the sick idea?"

"What sick idea? I don't know what you're talking about!"

Jasper kicked the table and put his finger in Emmett's face. "You killed my goldfish!"

"What?! That's what this is about...?"

"It's very important Emmett. He had hopes and dreams, and you took that away from him." Jasper winced.

"I didn't kill him!"

"Then who did?"

"I- I don't know!"

Jasper sighed, standing up straight. "You don't have an alibi."

Emmett folded his arms. "No."

"Why didn't you call 911?"

"Jasper! It was a damn goldfish!"

"Sandy wasn't just a goldfish, not to me. She was my friend." he began to cry, tearless sobs. "And you killed her!"

"I didn't!"

"Jazz..." Alice's voice came from behind him.

He turned around and followed her out. "What Alice? He's about to break."

"Did you clean Sandy's bowl?"

"What?"

"Her bowl, Jazz. Did you clean her bowl?"

"You're supposed to clean it?"

"If you don't clean the bowl, they die." she raised her eyebrow.

His mouth dropped open and he looked at Emmett. "Well can we let him _think _he killed her?"

"No." she growled, walking over to him. "Emmett, you didn't kill Sandy. Jasper did."

Jasper gasped loudly. "I would have never suspected myself. I'm- I'm a murderer!"

"I told you I didn't kill her!" Emmett shouted.

It was quiet for a minute. "But you _did _scratch Rose's car."

A snarl erupted from the corner. "WHAT?!"

"Jasper! How could you?" Emmett called.

"I would start running."

Rosalie picked up a chair and snapped it in half. "_You _scratched my car?"

"It was an accident! Honest!"

"You're murder won't be an accident!" she shouted, chasing him through the house.

Bella and Edward walked in and looked at the scene.

"What happened in here?" Bella asked, gazing at the broken chair.

"_Murder!_" Jasper whimpered, crying on Alice's shoulder.


	2. Don't Give Jasper a Teddy Bear

**IBD: Hello again! Sorry to keep you waiting! **

**Rule #2 - Nevermind. DON'T give Jasper a teddy bear! **

**Rule #2 1/2 - And Alice likes Cowboys :)**

"Apple, peach, pumpkin pie, who's not ready? Holler 'I'!" Jasper cried, running into the bathroom. He then proceeded to dig through his closet until he found him. "Oh Emme! I found you!" he smiled, hugging his furry friend. Emme was a teddy bear Alice had gotten him for Valentine's Day. He named it after Emmett; like we expected much...

"Jasper! Stop playing with that damn bear! You're freaking me out!" Rose's voice called from downstairs.

"We can't hear you!" he shouted back, giving Emme a tight squeeze. Then, he hid him in the dirty clothes basket and went to count. "You really need to learn how to seek, Em. And fetch for that matter."

After hours of play, Alice finally cut him off. "Jasper, I'm going hunting. Do you want to come?" she asked, fluttering her eyes.

"Sure! Just let me get-"

"He's not invited." she replied flatly.

His lips went into a hard line. "But-"

"Let it go Jazz." Emmett sighed.

"Shut up, Fish-killer."

Emmett stood up, blazing. "God dammit! I didn't kill your fish!"

"Guys break it up." Edward cut in sternly.

"Fighting solves nothing." Alice shook her head. "Come on Jazz."

He sighed, following her out. Little did he know, Jasper would never see Emmett again. (The bear... not the dude... although none of his feelings would be hurt if the man disappeared... oh right, back to the story.)

Esme was doing the laundry when Alice and Jasper got home from their trip. Jasper immediately went his room to greet his friend, but he wasn't there.

"Emmett?!" he called, searching his whole room.

His brother walked in, "What?"

Jasper growled, "Not you!"

"You mean that stupid teddy bear?"

"Don't talk about him like that! He's my best friend!"

Emmett rolled his eyes, stalking out. "Whatever dude."

In the other room, Alice sat by Carlisle to tune into the news. Jasper walked in front of the TV, looking around it for his friend.

"Jazz..." Alice asked, "What are you doing?"

"Playing hide and seek with Emme. He's really good." he whispered, lifting her chair slightly.

She rolled her eyes. "You just got home."

He nodded, "But we were playing before I left. He's still hiding, but he changed hiding spots."

"How can a teddy bear play hide and seek? _You're _the one who hides him."

Then Esme walked in with folded laundry. "Something got in the washing machine and turned all of our white clothes brown." she frowned, picking one shirt up to show them. As she did this, a tuft of fur fell from it.

Jasper gasped painfully. "EMMETT!" Before Esme could say anything, Jasper was running past her to the laundry room.

Esme blew it off. "Ness really needs to stop hanging around with Jake. His fur gets in everything!"

Emmett searched the washing machine and dryer for his furry friend, but he was nowhere to be seen. He started to bust into tearless crying. "Emm – ett."

Then Bella walked in. "Jasper? I think you should come see something."

He shook his head.

"No really, I think you should _really _come see something." she pulled on the collar of his shirt and dragged him to the cottage.

"Hey Edward." Jasper waved as she dragged him by.

"Hey Jazz."

When they got to Nessie's room, she stopped and inched the door open. "Look."

He leaned over the crib to see her snuggling Emmett. She smiled at him and stood up. "Jasper." He tried to take the bear, but she pulled away. "Mine." she snapped, backing away from him.

He smiled, "No, _mine._"

She shook her head. "_No. Mine._"

They played tug of war until he got it out of her hands and ran. She started crying and he stopped, looking back and forth from Emmett to Nessie. "Aw damn."

"Mine." she whispered, holding her hands up.

He walked over and handed it to her. "Here you go, kid. You better name it after me."

She looked at it and smiled. "Jake."

He growled and stalked out. "I hate kids."

When Jasper arrived home, he sat on the couch in his room. "Damn it. Why am I so soft?"

Alice walked in with her hands behind her back. "I have a surprise for you."

He sighed. "Unless its another-" He stopped when he saw what was in her arms. "Is that a cowboy hat?!"

She nodded, handing it to him.

He ran over to the mirror. "OMG OMG OMG!"

She smiled at him. "What did you get _me_?"

He stopped cheering and looked at her. "What?"

There was a moment of tension. "Jazz, its our anniversary. What did you get me?"

"Our anniversary?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Yes."

He opened his mouth, and laughed. "I got you..." he sighed. "God dammit."

In the next hour, there was a lot of bickering, kissing, and eventually... well you know. (Might I add that Alice enjoys the 'cowboy' theme and called it even. Ha. I bet she didn't see _that _coming.)


	3. Don't Let Bella on Facebook!

**IBD: Another for today! Worked hard!**

**Rule #3 - Don't let Bella on Facebook!**

One uneventful day in the Cullen household, Bella Swan decided to make a Facebook; it was one way she could stay in touch with her friends, and Edward wouldn't have to figure out. Finally, she signed up and logged on. Within minutes, she had friend requests from Mike and Eric; she accepted them, and a chat window popped up from the bottom.

"Hiya Bella!" it was from Mike.

She quickly typed back. "Hey Mike."

"It's so great that you got a Facebook! Now we can keep in touch!"

She cringed. "That's so great!"

This way, she could lie, and no one would notice! While she typed him, she was updating her profile. She changed her status to 'Married to Edward Cullen', added _Wuthering Heights _to her favorite books, and sent a friend request to Jessica, Angela, and Ben.

After a few hours of social networking, she had over twenty friends. Then her world changed when Jessica sent her a 'Piece of Flair' with Mike's name written all over it. In her message she said, "Isn't this cute?!"

Bella laughed, clicking on 'Get more Flair!' There were thousands of different flair. By the end of the next hour, she had filled her cork board with the buttons. She couldn't stop though. There was just so many of them. She searched, _Wuthering Heights_ and found many more. Oh what fun she would have...

Edward went into Nessie's room. "Hey Ness! Have you seen your mom?"

She glanced up at him. "Momma's been on the computer for a long time."

He scrunched his eyebrows. "The computer?"

Nessie nodded, returning her attention to her copy of _Through the Looking Glass _as he left.

When Edward went into the office, he found his wife glued to the computer screen. "Bella?" She didn't move. "Bella, honey? How long have you been on the computer?" he asked, looking at her pale-than-usual face.

She twitched. "Thirteen hours."

He gasped, horrified. "Why?!"

Bella tore her face from the screen. "F- Flair."

He looked confused. "Flair?"

She nodded, returning her face to the screen and clicking. "S- so many flair."

"Bella, love." he took a hold of her hand. "Sign off and come sit with me."

She shook her head. "Gotta update my board."

He frowned. "Bella."

She turned to him. "There is new _Linkin Park _flair!"

"I don't care!"

She gasped. "You need a page too."

He shook his head. "No I don't. Bella please. Just get off the computer."

She growled at him. "NO!"

He growled back, but left. He needed some professional help.

"Don't worry, Edward." Alice waved her hand in front of her. "I can help her."

He shot her a worried glance. "How?"

She laughed. "The same way I got over my addiction to _Ebay _and _Amazon_."

He nodded. "It needs to be done."

After about thirty minutes of pacing, Alice came out with Bella. "The deed is done."

Bella shook her head frantically. "Just awful."

Edward hugged her. "What's wrong honey?"

She looked at me, horrified. "There's a Flair on there... of Emmett... NAKED!"

He nodded, hugging her. "It's okay. You don't ever have to look at that again." He turned to Alice. "That's how you got over _Ebay_?"

"He was selling autographed ones." she shivered. "Rose bought four."


	4. Don't Let Jake Go To the Music Store!

****

A/n: excessive use of the 'F-word' please do not read if offended. I warned ya.

**Rule #4 - Never let Jake go to the music store. EVER.**

Jacob Black glanced impatiently at the rack of cds; he'd been standing there for over twenty minutes. Bella had insisted that he watch some television with Nessie. He was _going _to get those awful songs out of his head, no matter what.

"Can I be of some assistance?" a girl's voice asked from behind him.

He turned and nodded. "Anything to get _Little Einsteins_ out of my head?"

She cringed. "Why is it there in the first place?"

"I babysit this kid." he shook his head. "Its killing me."

She scratched her chin, looking over the display. "Here are a few that I recommend." He took the three she offered and thanked her.

When Jake arrived home, he played the first two and was not amused. They weren't working at all. He threw in the final one as a last resort, turning it up halfway. "Please." he pleaded, sinking back in the bed.

"OH SHIT!"

He jerked up. "What the-"

"I'M ON A BOAT!!!"

"I'm on a boat." He smiled to himself.

His mind had finally moved on; onto a boat.

All was quiet at the Cullen household. That is, until Jake arrived.

"Hey Bella! Bella! Bella!"

Rosalie Hale's gaze lifted from her book to glare at him. "What do you want, pup?"

"GUESS WHAT?!"

She sighed. "What?"

"I'm on a boat." he whispered, holding in a laughing fit.

"A – freakin – mazing."

"Isn't it great Blondie?!"

The rest of the Cullens came in to see what the commotion was about.

Bella spoke first. "What's wrong Jake?"

"Apparently, he's on a boat." Rose rolled her eyes, continuing to read the book.

"Pardon?" Carlisle asked, confused.

Emmett started jumping up and down. "Everybody look at me cause I'm on a boat!"

They all looked at them like they were crazy. "Please explain."

"Let us sing it to you."

Then, the room went black, and the song played.

**(Lots of use of the F-word. Skip to the bottom if you do not approve.)**

_Aww shit, get your towels ready it's about to go down (shorty, yeah)  
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)  
But stay on your motherfucking toes  
We running this, let's go_

I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)  
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)  
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)  
I'm on a boat (I'm on a boat)  
I'm on a boat  
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)

I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me  
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea  
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat  
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)  
I'm on a boat, bitch (bitch)  
We drinking Santana champ,  
Cause it's so crisp (crisp)  
I got my swim trunks  
And my flippie-floppies  
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's  
Straight flipping copies

I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit  
The dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet  
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets  
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget

I'm on a boat and  
It's going fast and  
I got a nautical themed  
pashmina afghan

I'm the king of the world  
On a boat like Leo  
If you're on the shore,  
then you're sure not me-oh

Get the fuck up, this boat is REAL!!!

Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker (motherfucker)  
Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker (motherfucker)  
I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker (yeah)  
This boat engine make noise, motherfucker

Hey ma, if you could see me now (see me now)  
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow (starboard bow)  
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow (moon somehow)  
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible

Yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat  
It's a big blue watery road (yeah)  
Poseidon  
Look at me, oh (all hands on deck)

Never thought I'd see the day  
When a big boat coming my way  
Believe me when I say  
I fucked a mermaid

I'm on a boat  
I'm on a boat  
Everybody look at me 'cause I'm sailing on a boat (woaah)  
I'm on a boat  
I'm on a boat  
Take a good hard look at the mothafuckin' boat (sha-sha-shorty, shorty, yeah)

The Cullens continued to stare at Jake, and Emmett now too. Soon, Jasper runs out of no where in his swim trunks yelling, "Hell yeah! We is on a boat!"

* * *

**I would just like to add that: ****Jake is on a boat. **_Fo shizzle._

hehe. that is all. goodnight.


End file.
